Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, childrens, hello! Happy Thanksgiblet to you all!

I thought I might not make my deadline this week. All because of a shameless hussy, namely Lisa Marie, a local “phychic” who runs the ad at right in the Journal Times.

How dare she horn in on my territory without even the courtesy of a how do you do? I called this scammer up and made an appointment under an alias. You should’ve seen the look on her face when she saw me, Mme. Zoltar, sitting in her parlor. “I don’t care if you were married to Wacko Jacko,” I yelled as I flung Serbian beetle dung dust at her, “you don’t dis me in my hood without paying the price!” Things deteriorated rapidly from there. By the time the police and fire department arrived, I was running late. I astral projected out of there and to my personal computer to get this blog composed. Before I left, though, I got in a good shot to her jaw, saying, “I get 20% off the top, bitch, or they find you at the bottom of a wishing well.” Needless to say, I predict prompt submission of my royalties.

I am so glad that I made it back in time to respond to a question from the resplendent Ms. kkdither, who wrote:

Dear Madame,

I am somewhat anxious about the upcoming cook-a-thon. I haven't had the responsibility to make the whole shebang myself in years. The turkey already almost broke my finger (frozen heavy #$%^ came between me and the grocery counter) I'm wondering if you have any forboding as to the outcome of this spectacle... Specifically, how will my guests react when I "give them the bird?"

Sincerely anticipating your response,
p.s. I'll save a drumstick for you

Dear kk, you will be fine. The food will be fine. Your guests will be fine. Everything and everyone will be fine, except, of course, the bird, which will be cooked. Thank you for being one of millions of tireless souls who labor so hard in our kitchens that millions more may share in a Thanksgiving meal.
P.S. And a little stuffing and mashed potatoes and gravy and cranberries, too?

I hope that everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and that we all find much in our lives to be thankful for.

Don’t forget, you can always contact me about your concerns or questions at

See you next week, dearies, or be L7.


kkdither said...

Happy Thanksgiving all!!!
Thank you for your reassurance, Mme. Z. The pies are spectacular, I snitched a sample already.

You are certainly welcome to the side fixings... but no cranberries here, unless you don't mind some from the can. Instead, I go with sweet and sour red cabbage for the color.

I'm off to shove something up that birds arse. (I'm still holding a grudge over that finger incident)

Anonymous said...

Happy Turkey day Madame Z!

Beejay said...

kk, how did the entire meal turn out for you?

It took two of us to lift the damn bird into my oven. I always thought those built in ovens were so nice until I had to lift something up to get it in remodel will include a double oven...yeah, for me, myself and I! What am I thinking!

kkdither said...

Everything turned out spectacular. Figures, it was only me and my kids. No one to impress.

Only mishap was when I poured the juices into the pan to make gravy. I touched my finger to the pan and sloshed a little drippings. Finger is fine, quick wipe of the floor. All was well.

I too have a wall oven. I managed... buff babe! ha ha