Hello, my turtle doves! Sneezin’s Greetings. May the spirit of Christmas warm the cockles of your hearts.
This week’s column starts with an email from the splendiferous kkdither, who writes:
Best wishes Mme...
I have recently run into some slimy charlatans with highly questionable (criminal) business practices. Do you ever dabble on the dark side? Can you share some incantations or recipes for a brew to counter or retaliate their evil assaults?
Your humble follower,
Dear Ms. kk, it would be indelicate of me to admit publicly to such shenanigans, but I can assure you that I am not completely unfamiliar with the less savory aspects of my calling. I am emailing you a current price list of the curses, hexes, and jinxes that I offer. Please note my holiday special: buy 2 curses, or 2 hexes, or one of each, and receive a free jinx. Limit one free jinx per customer, please.
For those of you more inclined toward traditional methods of retaliation, I can suggest a few websites. Try ThePayback.com for all sorts of ideas. There is a RevengeLady.com and a RevengeGuy.com, too. And for the absolute bottom of the barrel, there is RevengeCrabs.com. Ewww!
Our second message today comes from Avenging Angel, who writes:
What's on your Christmas wish list this season?
Dear Mr. AA, thank you so much for inquiring. How thoughtful of you. Just for that, I’m going to have a little chat with my friend Mr. Claus about you.
Like everyone else, I can think of more than a few things that I would like to have, but the fact is that I lack none of the necessities of life. With the hard economic times that have befallen us, though, there are others who can no longer make that claim. My Christmas wish this year is for blessings upon all those who have lost their livelihoods through no fault of their own. May the spirit of the season carry them into a new year filled with opportunity and hope.
Finally, my ex landed a spot in a commercial. Of course, he gives the wrong advice, just like in real life...
Don't forget to keep those cards and letters coming to: email@example.com.
See you next week, sweethearts. Esperanto!