Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my lovely lilies of the valley! How are you? Isn’t early spring something? Hot, cold, warm, snow, sun, rain. And windy, too!

First today is an email from Ms. Why Not?, who writes:

As the date draws nearer, I am becoming more and more nervous for my flight with an active 2½ year old and a newborn. What do the stars say about my flight? I am also looking for any good advice I can receive to help my travels. I do appreciate any wisdom that the great Madame would be able to pass along. Thank you very much.

Very Tired Mommy
aka Why Not?

Dear Ms. Why Not?, I can answer the first part of your question, but will need help from our readers to respond to the second.

The stars assure me that your flight will be safe and secure. Due to the general downsizing of the airline industry, though, you will be charged for every peanut that you or your children consume (or drop), and probably for every visit that you make to the restroom. Soon, you may be required to bring your own air.

In regard to advice concerning a long flight with young children, I defer to our readers. Although I am a frequent flyer, I am of a different variety than most people. I fly in the astral plane, rather than on an airplane. It’s kind of like halfway between the transporter beam on Star Trek, and being shot out of a huge slingshot. In any case, I doubt that my experience is applicable to Ms. Why Not?’s situation. So, dear readers, please post any advice that you have to give in the comments below. Thank you.

I am once again devoting part of my blog to my candidacy for mayor of Racine, but this will be the last time. I am withdrawing from the race. I do this primarily because my candidacy has not been recognized by the majority of the media in Racine, most notably the Journal Times. Because my candidacy has not been recognized, I have not been invited to participate in the various mayoral forums, nor is my name anywhere on the official ballot. Although it is well within my powers to correct these problems, I have decided to step aside instead. My various private enterprises are thriving, and my list of very personal clients continues to grow. Perhaps my time is better spent further cultivating my arts. To that end, and as a jab at the Journal Times for their indifference to my candidacy, I am placing a curse upon their newspaper. Soon, you shall see it literally shrink in size. They will blame it on some technological nonsense, insisting that it is an “improvement,” but you will know the real reason why the paper has begun to vanish. I might also add that the private parts of certain employees will also experience a similar shriveling. Such is the power of the Zoltar curse!

I’d also like to mention that my tête-à-tête with an IRS agent last week went swimmingly. It was the first time that I met one. Who knew they were so suggestible? In fact, I’m going to open a new branch of Zoltar Enterprises devoted solely to tax problems, Madame Z’s IRS-Busters. If the feds comes knocking on your door, you can contact one of those tough-talking lawyers from TV and battle it out in court; or you can contact me, and soon receive a check and a letter from the Treasury Department apologizing for their tardiness with your refund.

You can contact me with any of your problems or suggestions at:

Have a Happy April Fool’s Day! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, dearies.


kkdither said...

To why not:
Pack an arsenol of different items to eat... small candies, etc. Make it things that you don't usually buy. The novelty of something new helps keep kids quieter and more interested.

I don't know if you can still find them, but a Where's Waldo book or two can while away the hours. Little kids love to search the pictures and laugh at the goofy stuff with you. My son and I spent many hours in doctor's waiting rooms with those books when my mom was very sick.

Babies are a crap shoot on a plane. Either they do very well and sleep, or they don't. Some people swear by having a bit of benadryl on hand in case they need it. I would certainly check with your child's doctor before doing that though.

hale-bopp said...

I am interested in advice on how to travel with children on the astral plane, Madame.

Anonymous said...

On the astral plane we heavily sedate the children, as we do the adults. It may result in more crash landings, but nobody seems to complain too much.

AvengingAngel said...

I would recommed putting them in with the checked baggage, but I know I'll get yelled at if I do.

Why Not? said...

Hey thanks for your advice and your forewarning for the charging. I have been away at my husbands family's summer house so I am sorry I haven't written earlier. I am now starting to get my bags in order and ouir train tickets are purchased to get us up to the airport, I'm in the middle of cleaning and trying to get some food made up and frozen for my husband. I still have to receive our American passports, go get Maia's Swedish passport, go get my American passport stamped so that I can prove that I'm allowed to live here in Sweden so that one day I can get back in, pack, make an appointment with the doctor to get Maia her vaccinations, get Mina's 2½ year check up. Thats what I can think of right now but I know there is more. Anyways I'm soon there and hopefully I can relax and pawn my children off to their grandparents while I fall asleep in the bathtub for about a week. I will see you all very soon.