Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my delectable dewdrops! How are you? The sun is shining, the birds are twittering, the flowers are blooming, and spring has sprung all around us. What an explosion of sights and sounds! Be sure to check out the seasonal display, happening now in a yard or park near you.

Congratulations again to Mr. John Dickert, now officially our new mayor. I am sure that downtown and Racine’s other vested interests will benefit greatly from his tenure. The rest of us, of course, get to share the glorious honor of carrying them on our backs.

I received an email from the pulchritudinous Ms. kk, who writes:

My dearest Madame,

I just read my horoscope... something I rarely do. It mentioned to pay close attention to my dreams tonight. Could you please assist and see to it that the suave and debonair Avenging Angel does not attempt any further nocturnal, lascivious "pas de deux" ce soir? I don't believe my heart can take anymore!

Merci beaucoup,

Oh my, Ms. kk, I do not like to interfere in romantic matters involving our group of Irregulars. If I do, someone dislikes me; and if I don’t, the results are usually the same. Hmmm, I guess that means I lose either way, so what the heck. I will send out a short, telepathic message to Mr. Avenging Angel suggesting that he tone down his dreamy advances, but you have to do your part, too. All that fancy French-talk gets some men’s blood boiling. Perhaps if you spoke more like the rest of us, ya hey der, Mr. AA could better resist your natural charms. On the other hand, Ms. kk, a little stimulation of the heart can be beneficial to your long term health. ;)

And P.S., your horoscope doesn’t mean much unless it’s an official Zoltar® Horoscope, available in fine newspapers and tabloids everywhere.

I really don’t have much more to say today. I thought about commenting on some of the local news stories, but I tire of pointing out the obvious lies that city and county government endlessly spew at us. Add to that the misinformation and skewed coverage of events provided by local media, and you have the bitter stew of fraud, fakery, and falsehoods that is served up to Racinians 365 days a year. Bleckkk! It tastes like the crap that it is. Instead of eating the good old boys’ droppings, I’m going to enjoy the day and pretend that I live in a city that cares about its residents today. If you breathe enough of the fresh air and stare into the bright sun, you can almost forget about the black-hearted bastards selling out Racine’s future for their personal gain.

Have a joyous week, my friends. Soon the oppressive heat of summer will be upon us and the sounds of gunfire will fill the night air, but you can rest assured that the police will be out enforcing our seatbelt laws.

Send your questions and comments to me at:



kkdither said...

Hey der Zoltar, I'm taking yer advice. Der was no ballroom dancing hap'nin in da dreams last night. Ya cudda jes said you'd take care of it and you woulda been right. (hint: always rely on the 50% chance rule)

Tanks and I'll look inta the official Zoltar horoscope next time.

Beejay said...

Sounds like you may have been spending some time with AA afterall....Ms. kkdither!

fungi said...

Wow I thought I was only a little behind the curve technologically. Now I find out even birds are using Twitter.

I have to agree with Beejay, I think you've been hangin around AA alittle to much der kk, youse beginin ta soun jus like im.

AvengingAngel said...

Dey do, dey don't, watta ya gonna do? Français incite toujours les femmes à retourner, n'est pas?

kkdither said...

Ahhh, AA, so the truth comes out. That is the reason you studied??? Hmmm. Je retourne mais pour les raisons différentes.

Fungi, It used to be difficult to keep up with kids and teenagers with regard to technology, now I'm devastated to hear that even wildlife are surpassing us... :)