Saturday, December 19, 2009

Joke Night

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.


The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "You think you are angry," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'


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A shy guy goes into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, and says, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Completely embarrassed, he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a psych student doing a study on how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

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A blind man walks into a store with his seeing-eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

The manager runs up to the man and shouts, "What are you doing?!"

The blind man replies, "Just looking around."


6 comments:

OrbsCorbs said...

Funny. I really like the last one.

SER said...

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....

'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

SER said...

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime.

She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'

SER said...

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and. went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

SER said...

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

A crazy bitch who will find you!

SER said...

A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.

The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and hostile Sir."

Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir?

Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for @sshole?"

Officer: "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!