Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my darling dragonflies! How are you? Is it hot enough for you? It’s too hot for me. How hot is it? It’s so hot that I saw two trees fighting over a dog. It’s so hot, I saw a chicken lay a fried egg. It’s so hot, I saw an Amish man buying an air conditioner. Oh dear, I “borrowed” those from the internet, but it is hot enough that I’m considering some runs, or leisurely strolls, through the Dr. Laurel Clark Memorial Fountain. They don’t have an age limit, do they? Or any other restrictions? I’d wear my inflatable butterfly wings for safety.

The listless economy continues to impact my business. I am constantly trying to think up new ideas, or new angles on my existing products, to increase my cash flow. One notion I had was inspired by those “free” credit score ads. I see them all the time on TV. They always claim to have free credit score information available, but you really have to enroll in, and pay for, some credit protection or other service in order to get your “free” score. Well, I was thinking of doing the same thing, except also offering a look at your future credit score. That way you’ll know now whether this is your personal best time to refinance your home or buy a new car, or if you should wait.

Another area I see a lot of growth in is online dating services. I think I could tap a healthy portion of that market if I were to offer potential partners a glimpse into the future of their relationships before they do anything that they will later regret. eHarmony® may offer “29 Dimensions® of Compatibility,” but eZoltar® would offer the 30th: "What kind of a bum is he going to turn out to be?" Oh my.

With the persistent price rise in the gold market, there has been a huge upswing in gold buyers and gold buying events nationwide. It is fast-growing and often unregulated. I’ve been thinking this might be a good time to dust off the old alchemy kits that I have in storage and sell them to people looking to turn base metals into gold. You want lead abatement done right? Just give the crews these kits and watch them transform lead paint chips into gold flake right before your eyes. That dangerous old plumbing will become worth more than copper. And just imagine, golden gutters for everybody!

Finally, I am considering outsourcing my operations. I have remained loyal to Racine and Racine’s workforce since I first started in business, but I have to look at all of my options if Zoltar® is to remain viable in the current economy. Perhaps if someone in India could take my calls for me, then I could concentrate on the more lucrative private sessions that I offer my wealthier customers. If I can save 2 cents here and 3 cents there on some of my potions by having them made in China (where a lot of the ingredients come from, anyway), it might be the way to go. I don’t know. What do you think? Do any of the Irregulars have suggestions for my business? Please, don’t be shy and speak up in the comments below.

That’s it for this week, my friends. I so enjoy spending time with you. Thank you for reading my blog. I consider my time with the JT Irregulars to be a little island of tranquility in the weekly hurricane that is my life.

For up-to-the-minute forecasts (weather and otherwise), please contact:

Stay in the shade and keep your cool, Irregulars. It’s so hot that the cows are giving evaporated milk. It’s so hot that the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. And here’s my favorite: it’s so hot that it will make you return things that you never stole. Anisoptera!


SER said...

Madame Zoltar, Can’t you do a “free credit reading with the purchase of 5-gallons of ice water”?

SER said...

How about a “free butterfly net” to catch some dragonflies, with a personal reading, just pay shipping and handling?

Anonymous said...

Ooo, that "shipping and handling" routine is a good one, Mr. SER. Thank you for reminding me of it.

A dragonfly net is a good idea, too.

OrbsCorbs said...

Madame Z, maybe you should do like the fast food chains and stay open till midnight or later, maybe even catch some of the after-bars crowd looking for psychic insight.

kkdither said...

While I'm sure Madame can take care of herself, we don't want to put her out on the streets of this city after dark!

With her irresistible beauty and the residual odors from brewing her "amorous potions," she would be way too susceptible to unwanted advances. :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Ms. kk, for your kind words and your concern, and Mr. OrbsCorbs, for your suggestion. I'm not sure there is much demand for "psychic insight" amongst the late night crowd. Besides, alcohol has a way of messing up a person's aura and makes him/her difficult to read.