The Power of Televangelism

As some of you know, I have followed, off and on, the antics of televangelist Robert Tilton for about 25 years. I started out watching him on TV in Chicago while I was in an alcoholic stupor. Earlier this year, I "reconnected" with him; i.e., I got back on his mailing list. He sends out the most amazing assortment of religious trinkets and "holy cloths" and "anointed oil" and "sacred water" and on and on and on. It's not just Tilton. Also earlier this year, my neighbor turned me on to another televangelist, Peter Popoff. I got on his mailing list, too.

One of the first letters I received from Robert Tilton contained a real dollar bill. I was impressed. Of course, I was supposed to perform some inane ritual with the dollar and then return it "ten-fold" as a "faith promise" to guarantee my eventual riches.

Well, today Peter Popoff far surpassed anything that Robert Tilton ever did for me. Popoff doesn't mess around with any chump change dollar bills. He sent me this:

 

Damn! Thank you, Mr. Popoff! That answers all my prayers. Yes sir. Thank you very much.

As soon as I cash this, the JTIs are gonna party! Maybe I'll hire a symphony orchestra to appear at the gathering at Beejay's. Or maybe free helicopter rides. Or maybe both. Oh my!