Saturday, January 26, 2013

Random Thoughts


Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of
the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I
made it home OK! 

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next bowel movement
could spell disaster.
 
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.  

 After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she
killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw
it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered
McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster-skin coat last week. Took her to the fair
last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I
masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace”, said
the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to
this country so that they can see their own doctor.

5 comments:

kkdither said...

I love that dry humor!

BL Basketcase said...

When I read the first line, I thought you were talking about
me! hahahahaaha

Toad said...

Darn It, I'm signing up for a Nursing Home. I thought the whole thing was a long story, and wondered why so many strange things were happening? I've finally completely lost It. KK, Thank God your comment indicated to me, they were individual little jokes.

Anonymous said...

Shieeeeeett, Ain't nobody got time for that.

OrbsCorbs said...

"Defrosting the fridge" - Ahahahaha!