From the Wisconsin Gazette:
News with a twist Lisa Neff and Louis Weisberg, Staff writersUpdated
Blame it on OktoberfestWhen La Crosse police received a complaint that a couple was copulating in a car parked on a residential street, Officer Aaron Westpfahl responded. Car windows fogged? Check. Car rocking back and forth? Check. So Westpfahl opened the back door and found a naked young couple in flagrante delicto. The officer was more or less told to get lost. “I’m trying to f***,” said the 21-year-old male. But as Westpfahl hauled the couple off to jail, the young fellow tried to win his sympathy: “You’re a man. You should understand. It’s Oktoberfest weekend,” he said.
Near Plymouth Rock
Costly show of ‘patriotism’Vice President Mike Pence flew to Indianapolis to catch a football game between the Indianapolis Colts and San Francisco 49ers, warning in advance that he’d leave if any players kneeled during the national anthem. That was odd, because players had already announced their intention to take a knee. When they did, Pence and his wife abruptly left, making a show of their “patriotism.” But Pence’s stunt required the re-routing of Air Force 2, which cost taxpayers the patriotic sum of $242,500.
Stalin TrumpA great-granddaughter of former Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev says Donald Trump’s latest attacks on the media reminded her of Joseph Stalin. Trump accused NBC of “fake news” and said he wanted its broadcast license revoked — notwithstanding the fact that networks are not licensed. According to Nina Khrushcheva, “President Trump defined ‘fake news’ the way Joseph Stalin defined ‘enemies of the people’: If they offer the slightest objection to his rule they must be wrong. And they must be silenced.”
Seasonal hazardAn unusual smell prompted an evacuation and a hazardous materials response at a Baltimore high school. Several people reported difficulty breathing. But after five people were taken to the hospital complaining of upset stomachs, fire officials discovered the source of the smell: a pumpkin-spice air freshener plugged into an outlet in a classroom.
Spread the wordNew Mexico State University is allowing motorists to take a bite out of certain parking tickets by paying with peanut butter. Drivers who have received a “no current permit” parking citation can pay it with at least 80 ounces of peanut butter Oct. 23–27. All peanut butter donations will be sent to the Aggie Cupboard. Officials say appealing the citation forfeits the right to pay with peanut butter.
Slobbery recordA St. Bernard in South Dakota has set a new, slobbery world record. Mochi now holds the Guinness World Record’s title for having the longest tongue on a dog — 7.31 inches. The 8-year-old broke the previous record held by a male Pekingese, whose tongue was a scant 4.5 inches.
Coupon to ‘kill’Seven days after a gunman killed 58 people and injured more than 500 at a country music festival in Las Vegas, Groupon was offering a half-price deal on “Massacre Tactical Laser Tag.” The games are held in a 4,000 square-foot arena in Northern Illinois that’s equipped with laser weapons that “resemble real Glocks, MP5s, M16s and more.” The cost was just $19 for 60 minutes. One satisfied customer wrote, “Great setup, my kids loved it.”
Walking undeadHundreds of undead people gathered at the New Jersey shore for the annual zombie walk. Staged in Asbury Park, the walk is considered one of the largest gatherings of its kind. A zombie Donald Trump pushed a tombstone, tossed paper towels to the crowd and asked, “Does anyone need saving?” Held less than a week after the mass shooting in Las Vegas, organizers banned the use of prop weapons — which apparently didn’t infringe on Second Amendment rights.
‘Paradise USA’ lostOfficials in Key West, Florida, want to know who took the sign that welcomed visitors to “Paradise USA.” It wasn’t Irma. The sign — which features a painted sunset and was hung at the key’s entrance off U.S. 1 — was last seen on the ground after Hurricane Irma roared across the island. For now, a hand-painted “Welcome to Paradise” sign marks the spot where “Paradise USA” once stood.