by Editors at Andrews McMeel Syndication
A Knight to Remember
Least Competent Criminals
• Shanghai, China, police posted a video on social media of two men trying to break into a business on Feb. 14 by using bricks to shatter the glass storefront. But as United Press International reported, when Suspect A’s brick bounced off the glass, he bent to retrieve it and ended up squarely in the path of Suspect B’s brick, which struck him in the head and apparently knocked him out. In the video, Suspect B can be seen dragging Suspect A away from the store. Police remarked: “If all burglars were like this, we wouldn’t need to work as hard.”
• A drug smuggler from Brazil apparently didn’t know he was under investigation by the National Anti-Narcotics Trafficking Unit in Portugal when he arrived on a flight Feb. 12 wearing a set of false butt cheeks that were filled with 2.2 pounds of cocaine, according to United Press International. The 32-year-old unidentified man was detained at the Tax and Customs Authority and searched, where his unusual derriere aroused suspicion. An accomplice, waiting for him at a Lisbon train station, was also arrested and charged with drug trafficking.
And 9/11 Was an Inside Job!
Crestline, Calif., resident Claudia Ackley, 46, has teamed with “Discovering Bigfoot” filmmaker Todd Standing to sue the state of California, requesting that state agencies acknowledge the existence of a Sasquatch species. Ackley and her daughters, 11 and 14, say they were hiking a trail at Lake Arrowhead last March when they spotted a large figure braced in a pine tree. “I ran into a Sasquatch, a Bigfoot. We were face to face,” Ackley told The San Bernardino Sun. Forest rangers insisted at the time that Ackley and her daughters had seen a bear, and Ackley fears that by not acknowledging the presence of the legendary creatures, the state is putting the public at risk. “People have to be warned about these things!” she said. “They are big!”
Mary, Mother of Jesus!
A woman claiming to be on a mission from God led a Kentucky State Police trooper on a chase at speeds up to 120 miles per hour on Feb. 10, stopping only when another trooper pulled in front of her car. According to the Elizabethtown, Ky., News-Enterprise, Connie Lynn Allen, 52, of Goodlettsville, Tenn., told officers that she was “Mother Mary,” en route “to pick up baby Jesus,” and that God had given her permission to speed. She also said that she had died six years ago. She was charged with several offenses and is being held in Hardin County.
A Sugar High?
Staffers at a Bangor, Maine, day care called Watch Me Shine were happy to receive Valentine’s Day cookies made by a parent—until those who ate them started to feel high. “Within 15 minutes, teachers were reporting they had concerns about those cookies,” Tiffany Nowicki, director of the center, told The Bangor Daily News. About 12 staff members felt the effects of the treats, which were confiscated by the police and are being tested. “If they find something that shouldn’t be in those cookies,” Nowicki said, “that’s a big problem, and we’ll make sure it’s addressed.”
At 10 Downing Street in London, Larry the cat is an institution, charged with chasing away mice and offering pet therapy to any willing caressers. Meanwhile, at the Foreign Office, Palmerston the cat serves the same purpose. But Larry and Palmerston have a long-running feud, according to The Telegraph, and on Feb. 16, they went at it again. The paper reported that fur was ripped and a collar torn off as the two cats duked it out in the street. Nick Dixon of “Good Morning Britain” said it appeared that Palmerston won this round: “Palmerston seemed to strut out of Downing Street. Larry seemed a bit dazed and confused after the fight.”
© 2018 ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION