Friday, April 20, 2018

"WiGWAG: News with a twist! Teachers armed with miniature baseball bats, a police department calls out a ground hog, a feces-filled train stinks up a town and more!"

From Wisconsin

We might be inspired by the stories of the day, the tabloid at the checkout counter, gossip in our ears or a reader's tip in our email. If it strikes us as a little bit off, a lot of silly, positively preposterous or reveals the absurdity of our present situation with the president, it’s WiGWAG. News with a twist

Americans really hate filing their taxes

A Wallet Hub survey found Americans really don’t like doing their taxes. Fifty-one percent of people surveyed said they’d rather do jury duty. One in five would prefer talking to their kids about sex. And more than 10 percent would swim with sharks, spend the night in jail and drink expired milk.

Pillow fight

If you watch TV, chances are you’ve seen Mike Lindell hawking his invention My Pillow, which he credits with all sorts of major health benefits. But a district attorney looked into Lindell’s claims, found them scientifically baseless and sued him, costing Lindell a $1 million settlement. Still, Lindell said sales remain strong because he stuck with advertising on Fox’s The Ingraham Angle. Other advertisers are boycotting the show because host Laura Ingraham ridiculed Parkland shooting survivor David Hogg. But Lindell shouldn’t count his sheep just yet: Now there’s a boycott against him for not boycotting.

This really stinks

For two months, dozens of train cars carrying 10 million pounds of poop have been stranded in a rail yard in rural Parrish, Alabama. The stench has proven unbearable for the town’s 982 residents, who say they seldom leave their homes anymore. We can’t blame locals if they view the smelly situation as a poster child for the evils of Big Government, since convoluted federal red tape has prevented the cars from moving on to their original destination. And locals can’t be happy that the excrement hails from the Yankee states of New York and New Jersey.

Top Chick

A chicken known for its intelligence, resilience and ability to withstand cold winters is becoming the official state poultry of New Hampshire. A class of fourth-graders recommended the New Hampshire Red for the title, and members of the New Hampshire General Court — i.e., the state legislature — agreed, saying the chicken ably represents New Hampshire qualities. Republican Gov. Chris Sununu has said he’d make the honor official.

Ratting on the mice was a fail

When 1,000 pounds of marijuana went missing from a police warehouse in Pilar, Argentina, the city’s former police commissioner and his subordinates speculated it was consumed by mice. Nice try, but experts blew that theory up in smoke. They told a judge that, first of all, mice wouldn’t eat pot and, secondly, pot would kill them if they did. Since the warehouse wasn’t littered with mice corpses, eight officers were discharged from their duties and might face criminal charges.

Lobbying for legalization?

The same day House Speaker Paul Ryan announced he would not seek re-election, former House Speaker John Boehner announced he was going to work in the cannabis industry. Boehner took a seat on the advisory board of Acreage Holdings, an investment company with an established footprint in the burgeoning pot industry. What might that mean for the legalization effort? A representative with MariMed Inc., a pot cultivation and processing company, proclaimed Boehner’s presence on the board “game-changing validation of cannabis’ future promise and value to human health and the wellness of the American public.

APB for Phil

Depew Police Department in upstate New York announced via Facebook the arrest of winter and warned that any more snow produced by the season would work against it in court. The department also called for Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog from Pennsylvania, to turn himself in for predicting six more weeks of winter. 

Dear Winter,
You are hereby placed under arrest. You have the right to remain silent and out of sight, but apparently not the ability. Any further snow you produce will be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, but only if you turn in the groundhog that predicted six more weeks of winter. If you are willing to work with us, we are willing to look past your most recent transgressions over the course of this past week. The choice is yours.

The Depew Police Department

First stones, now bats

Weeks after a Pennsylvania school district equipped teachers with buckets of rocks to deal with school shootings, another Pennsylvania school district has armed teachers — with miniature baseball bats. The superintendent of Millcreek Township School District said the 16-inch wooden bats should remind teachers to fight a school shooter with any weapon available.

Bigger than a breeze

A Florida woman arrested for possession of drugs blamed the weather. Police in Fort Pierce reported stopping the woman and two passengers and searching her vehicle after getting a whiff of marijuana. The officers found two bags, one containing pot and another containing cocaine, in the purse in the driver’s lap. She explained: “It’s a windy day. It must have flown through the window and into my purse.”

Jesus Christ would vote for Oprah

Jesus Christ, an 83-year-old woman who lives in Waterboro, Maine, says she did not know Oprah Winfrey was asking for a sign from God about running for president when she sent a letter to the television magnate. Christ — who 50 years ago changed her name and began writing letters to promote peace and faith — said she wrote to Winfrey because she likes her. But should the TV celebrity run for the White House, Jesus Christ will vote for her.

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