DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. It will also remove fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh crap"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until they melt.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short to use in your remodeling job.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMN-IT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need to finish your current project.
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6 comments:
THAT is a riot. I have done nearly EVERY one of those things.
Thanks for the HUGH laugh.
These must have been compiled by a true connaisseur of the workshop! How true how true! Please accept my addendums:
Socket Set and ratcheting wrench: Has every size and attachment know to man, but still cannot get to fit into the space between the exhaust stack and engine block on the very last bolt you need to remove.
I would also add to the hammer: For using the claw end to open beer bottles without twist tops.
I really laughed out loud at those. I agree that a master craftsman created the definitions.
I once bought some slightly used speed parts from guy. The 66 mustang looked really sharp except for smashed windows and hammer dings in the body. It seems he had two years work into this car but it kept causing him grief every step of the way until he hit his limit. Break out the hammer and undo all the work. I heard later, he had taken up golf. True story
Maybe your problem is you aren't using the right tools... butter knife, crochet hook and nail file? Those {lady} tools work for everything.
LOL!!! I can totally relate to this! I work in a machine related shop and these things do happen. I'd like to add a grinder to the the list. I'm able to grind my initials into most anything metal.
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