I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I’m a little too busy to whip out a regular essay this week seeing as how I’m unexpectedly blowing the dust off my résumé so’s I can send it to the Green Bay Packers employment office. I sure as heck wouldn’t mind being the next head coach for our beloved Green & Gold, I kid you not.I think what could cinch it for me is if I could get a message to Aaron Rodgers and let him know that if I was to be the coach, I’d abso-focking-lutely let him do whatever the hell he wanted to do at all times. I wouldn’t get in his way about anything. Call all the plays? You betcha. Call the other team’s plays to boot? Be my guest. Give Clay a sponge bath after practice? Here’s the soap. Bang Danica on the 50-yard line during halftime? No problemo. Have me stop by the Rodgers abode to do some light housekeeping and clean the toilets? Heck yeah, I’ve got rubber gloves and a dust pan, what the fock.
And I could be had for nowhere what they were paying Mike McCarthy—which I hear was about $6 million a year. I’d be happy to coach for half that figure, and what team doesn’t like to save some dough when they can? Hey, you tell me.
And then I’ll tell you’s I got to go, but you’re welcome to stick around and browse Art’s Holiday Ba-ding! Boutique ’cause why not this year give everyone on your goddamn Christmas list the gift of laughter? This gift won’t cost you a focking dime and you can use the money saved on a big ol’ bottle of holiday cheer all for yourself and drown your seasonal depression like a bag of cats over the bridge.
What follows are a couple, three items that may interest you. Feel free to stroll around the page and choose whatever catches your eye.
Ned walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: “Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.”
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: “I think you’ll find that’s a sheep, you focking idiot.”
And Ned says: “And I think you’ll find I wasn’t talking to you.” Ba-ding!
Three men were waiting at Heaven’s Gate. St. Peter says, “OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest woman in the universe.”
They all agree and St. Pete gives them the green light to pass through. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bingo! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Blammo! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their grotesque gals when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever seen by man. In unison they ask, “How did you land with that spectacular beauty when we get stuck with these loathsome ladies?”
He nudges the babe and says, “Hon, tell them.” She says to the first two guys, “I lied.” Ba-ding!
At a major medical convention a noted internist arose to announce that he had discovered a new miracle antibiotic.
“What’s it cure?” asks a member of the audience.
“Nothing we don’t already have a drug for,” the internist replies.
“Then what’s so miraculous about it?”
Internist says, “One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times.” Ba-ding!
So this gal walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter and says, “I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.” The clerk, cupping his ear says, “Come again?” And the gal says, “No. This time it’s mayonnaise.” Ba-ding!
Some shepherd pulled Mary aside shortly after the birth of the Christ child and all the hoopla with the three wise men had died down. He said unto her, “Don’t you think that instead of all this business about ‘Gloria in excelsis Deo’ etcetera, how about a nice simple ‘Season’s Greetings’?” And Mary said unto him, “What, my son has come to Earth to deliver the message, ‘Hello, it’s winter’? Focking forget about it.” Ba-ding!
Okey-dokey, got to close up shop. Hope you found something you liked, you cheap bastards, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.