Friday, January 6, 2017

Four for Fridays!

I hope everyone is doing good. I am starting to feel a little bit better from my cold I have and I am sorry to be posting this so late.

1) What did you do over the New Year?

2) What are your plans for the weekend?

3) This time of year do you hibernate?

4) Do you get tired of having to put layers of clothes on to go outdoors?

Have a great weekend.

Open Blog - Friday

Happy Friday!

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Dear Madame Zolter

Hello, my tits for tats!  How are you? There's some nasty bug going around and I'm going out of my way to avoid the infected people.  So far, so good.  I was in line in the grocery store the other day and another woman was in front of me.  She kept talking to me and coughing in my face at the same time.  I put a curse on every cell in her body causing the cold/flu.  The next day, I'm sure she was yammering about her "miracle" cure.

Our weather hasn't exactly been miraculous, but it's darn near. One day I'm wearing a light sweater and the next I'm bundling up for an arctic blast.  My landscaping buddy says we're about normal for rain now, but we could always use a little more.  And the sun is out!  That will become more rare as the winter progresses. I can tolerate this.  15 degrees and the sun out.  OK.  But I hate those dips below zero. Any weather considered life threatening is not my friend.  How did our caveman ancestors stay warm?  I hear that if you slaughter a horse or other large animal, you can then lay inside of the carcass to stay warm for hours.  That's a little messier than going to Boston Store, but just as effective.  Hmm, I wonder if I could kill all my enemies and lie in their carcasses?  Actually, I'd prefer to just slaughter them.

Our majestic and monumental Green Bay Packers have held on to enter the playoffs in a wildcard position.  This coming Sunday, January 8, the Packers host the New York Giants at 3:40 pm.  Go murder them, boys.  Hmm, "boys."  I wonder if any woman ever tried out for the NFL?  If so, she probably got creamed.

I hate to be the one who tells you so, but . . . I TOLD YOU SO!  Junior was out on New Year's Eve driving Señor Zanza's car, with his blessing.  He returned the next day with a ticket for doing 52 mph in a 30 mph zone.  I believe he's still a "probationary" licensee.  In my day, they doubled the fine and/or jail time for probationary drivers.  Watch Señor Zanza's auto insurance premium skyrocket.  Oh my Lord!  I know another young lad who caused an accident while driving home from receiving his license.  At least Junior wasn't ticketed for an OWI on New Year's Eve.  I'm proud of my son for that.

I'm not proud of him for speeding.  Apparently, he's inherited his father's heavy foot on the accelerator.  Maybe it's a boy/man thing.  I know that women get better auto insurance rates than men.  That's sexist, if you ask me.  If whites got better rates than blacks simply because they're white, that would be racist.  However, the insurers are allowed to charge more or less, depending on location.  So, the poorer zip codes pay a higher price, even if their driving records are better than the whites.  And if you can afford an attorney, he/she can probably make it all go away, for a price.

I'm not going to help Junior with his new legal and monetary problems.  He hasn't asked, yet, but he will.  So here's the answer in advance: No!  The boy will never become a man if he's constantly bailed out by family members and/or friends.  Stand up, Junior, and accept complete responsibility!

Hah!  Maybe when hell freezes over . . .  It doesn't look quite that cold in the predictions, but we could see some single digit days.  Ah, who cares?  We're in Wisconsin, where you can still see some guys in shorts.  Oh, to be young again!

Do you have a question for the Madame?  Sure you do:

Be careful out there, my loves.  There's still plenty of ways to get hurt.  Be especially careful when driving near an area that has a significant pile of snow.  Kids can run (and fall) outta nowhere.  I wish you all a blessed New Year.  Stay warm and stay alive.  I love you all!

Please donate:
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Open Blog - Wednesday

Wine is a terrible drink. I've never had worse hangovers than on wine.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

"Sooth Ache"

From The Shepherd Express:

By Art Kumbalek 3 hours ago

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So how’s this new year been treating you so far? I don’t know if it’s just me but to be honest, I don’t notice a dime’s worth of difference from the previous crappy year, what the fock.

And how was my merry focking Christmas? No, Santa—fat moralistic fock that he is—did not deliver the bevy of Vegas showgirls I had requested; but thanks for asking.

Anyways, I thought maybe to put off my much ballyhooed annual Look Back/Watch Out Ahead gala essay until next week, or later, because I’ve become uncomfortable with this “prediction” malarkey. It’s that time of year now where all these so-called soothsayers come crawling out of the knobwork. Soothsayer. Look it up in the dictionary some time why don’t you. I’ll bet you a buck two-eighty it says this: “SoothsayerBullshit artist of ancient times.”

Oh well, if the sooth fits, bare it—and bare it I shall, since I understand that some of you’s may be expecting my annual Look Back/Watch Out Ahead gala essay this week, but guess what? Although my stake on New Year’s resolutions has long been claimed—Resolutions are for quitters, and quitters never win. So don’t be a loser. Be a winner and screw all those New Year’s resolutions.—I resolved to shake things up last weekend and decided that during the new year, I really ought to take it easy once in a while.

And so my annual Look Back/Watch Out Ahead gala essay need be condensed. And remember that pithiness is the soul of brevity; so here it is for you to pith on:

The Year 2016: Sucked, but good.

Watch Out Ahead, 2017: Will suck, even more. Can you believe it? And the only surefire thing I predict is that there will be a sucker born at least every minute.

There you go. Clean, economical and near-elegant, ain’a? And that’s all I’ve got to say about that ’cause I’d like to break this off right here, right now, and do something nice for myself like crank up the thermostat and mix another hot focking toddy, you betcha.

Yeah, hate to disappoint you if you were in the market for a next-year’s prediction a tad rosier, but you got to remember that disappointment is a fact of life. Albert focking Einstein was disappointed that he never found a way to wrap up his Theory of Everything before he croaked. And I’m extremely disappointed that I’ll never get to meet Marilyn Monroe, not to mention my deep disappointment cum despair that my bonehead ancestors thought it was a better idea to settle here in the Upper Midwest instead of the temperate and libertine lifestyle climes of Ta-focking-hiti, what the fock.

But that’s life, mister. Yes, you’ll be disappointed sometime, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and maybe for the rest of your life. Your Auntie Mame may once have said, “Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death,” but your Uncle Art says, “Life’s a crap casserole and all you can do is strap on the ol’ feedbag and say ‘bon appétit.’”

So happy focking New Year. But before I go, I’d like to mention that for Christmas, I received a nice little story from my buddy Little Jimmy Iodine, but I already had it so I thought I’d re-gift it to you ’cause what the fock. Here, try it on:

So on Christmas morning this cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on a shiny new Schwinn. Cop says to the kid, “That’s a very nice bicycle you’ve got there. Did Santa bring that for you?”

The kid replies, “You bet, officer.” And the cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike.”

The cop decides to give the kid a lesson for Christmas and proceeds to issue a $20 bicycle-safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket, wishes the cop a merry Christmas but before he rides off says, “By the way, officer, that’s a nice horse you’ve got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” Upholding the spirit of the season, the cop says, “Yes son, he sure did.”

And the kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the focking asshole at the back-end of the horse instead of on top, would you?”

Ba-ding! So again, you’s have a happy new year—hey, at my age I still like to think anything’s possible, what the fock, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.



Open Blog - Tuesday

Yes sir!

Sunday, January 1, 2017