News with a twist Lisa Neff and Louis Weisberg, Staff writersUpdated
Blame it on Oktoberfest
La Crosse police received a complaint that a couple was copulating in a
car parked on a residential street, Officer Aaron Westpfahl responded.
Car windows fogged? Check. Car rocking back and forth? Check. So
Westpfahl opened the back door and found a naked young couple in
flagrante delicto. The officer was more or less told to get lost. “I’m
trying to f***,” said the 21-year-old male. But as Westpfahl hauled the
couple off to jail, the young fellow tried to win his sympathy: “You’re a
man. You should understand. It’s Oktoberfest weekend,” he said.
Near Plymouth Rock
9 was designated as Columbus Day on many 2017 calendars in the United
States. But the museum on the historic English colony at Plymouth
recognized Oct. 9 as Indigenous Peoples Day. Plimoth Plantation, a
living history museum in Plymouth, Massachusetts, celebrated the history
and culture of the Wampanoags, the Native Americans encountered by
English settlers some four centuries ago. Indigenous Peoples Day also
was observed on many college campuses and by some government
institutions, including Milwaukee County.
Costly show of ‘patriotism’
President Mike Pence flew to Indianapolis to catch a football game
between the Indianapolis Colts and San Francisco 49ers, warning in
advance that he’d leave if any players kneeled during the national
anthem. That was odd, because players had already announced their
intention to take a knee. When they did, Pence and his wife abruptly
left, making a show of their “patriotism.” But Pence’s stunt required
the re-routing of Air Force 2, which cost taxpayers the patriotic sum of
A great-granddaughter of former
Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev says Donald Trump’s latest attacks on
the media reminded her of Joseph Stalin. Trump accused NBC of “fake
news” and said he wanted its broadcast license revoked — notwithstanding
the fact that networks are not licensed. According to Nina Khrushcheva,
“President Trump defined ‘fake news’ the way Joseph Stalin defined
‘enemies of the people’: If they offer the slightest objection to his
rule they must be wrong. And they must be silenced.”
unusual smell prompted an evacuation and a hazardous materials response
at a Baltimore high school. Several people reported difficulty
breathing. But after five people were taken to the hospital complaining
of upset stomachs, fire officials discovered the source of the smell: a
pumpkin-spice air freshener plugged into an outlet in a classroom.
Spread the word
Mexico State University is allowing motorists to take a bite out of
certain parking tickets by paying with peanut butter. Drivers who have
received a “no current permit” parking citation can pay it with at least
80 ounces of peanut butter Oct. 23–27. All peanut butter donations will
be sent to the Aggie Cupboard. Officials say appealing the citation
forfeits the right to pay with peanut butter.
St. Bernard in South Dakota has set a new, slobbery world record. Mochi
now holds the Guinness World Record’s title for having the longest
tongue on a dog — 7.31 inches. The 8-year-old broke the previous record
held by a male Pekingese, whose tongue was a scant 4.5 inches.
Coupon to ‘kill’
days after a gunman killed 58 people and injured more than 500 at a
country music festival in Las Vegas, Groupon was offering a half-price
deal on “Massacre Tactical Laser Tag.” The games are held in a 4,000
square-foot arena in Northern Illinois that’s equipped with laser
weapons that “resemble real Glocks, MP5s, M16s and more.” The cost was
just $19 for 60 minutes. One satisfied customer wrote, “Great setup, my
kids loved it.”
Hundreds of undead people
gathered at the New Jersey shore for the annual zombie walk. Staged in
Asbury Park, the walk is considered one of the largest gatherings of its
kind. A zombie Donald Trump pushed a tombstone, tossed paper towels to
the crowd and asked, “Does anyone need saving?” Held less than a week
after the mass shooting in Las Vegas, organizers banned the use of prop
weapons — which apparently didn’t infringe on Second Amendment rights.
‘Paradise USA’ lost
in Key West, Florida, want to know who took the sign that welcomed
visitors to “Paradise USA.” It wasn’t Irma. The sign — which features a
painted sunset and was hung at the key’s entrance off U.S. 1 — was last
seen on the ground after Hurricane Irma roared across the island. For
now, a hand-painted “Welcome to Paradise” sign marks the spot where
“Paradise USA” once stood.
Ed. Note: Two
analysts/commentators have been assigned to Mr. Kumbalek’s column this
week to provide more comprehensive comprehension through the marvel of
instant analysis in hopes of attracting more male beer drinkers from
ages 18 to 34 to this page. The analysts we chose are former
professional writers—one now in advertising, the other fulfilling a
lengthy community service obligation. We feel their clear, insightful
and fun commentary will benefit both the seasoned reader as well as the
Analyst #1: Hello, and welcome. Before
the first paragraph gets under way, I’d like to ask my compatriot here
what kind of column—or essay, as Mr. Kumbalek prefers to pretentiously
call it—we can look forward to this week.
Analyst #2: With this writer, one never
knows. Questions are these: Does he have his essay face on and has he
come to write? Or, will he just sputter around in the backfield of his
mind until he figures he’s coughed up enough words to call it a day and
hit the nearest bar stool. Any given week, it’s a tossup, but let’s turn
to the action. Looks like he’s ready to kick it off.
[DROP CAP, PLEASE]
I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen...
Anal. #1: Art seems to have called a very early timeout here. Any idea why?
Anal. #2: I think it’s an equipment
problem. He stopped to light a cigarette and pour himself another tub of
coffee. Right now he’s picking his nose, but I think he’s nearly ready
to retake the page.
I was wondering the other day if any of Yo-Yo Ma’s friends ever call him Duncan, like for a nickname, you know?
Anal. #1: Any idea who he’s talking about?
Anal. #2: Not a clue, but an otherwise nice, quick opener.
Anyways, before I get steamrollering Swiftly mine weekly battle
against the usual confederate union of dunces, hey, how ’bout this
holiday season coming back up like a bad burrito. Here in the States,
the season now commences with Columbus focking Day. But in different
parts of the world it ain’t the same, like over there by New Zealand,
where it starts Oct. 23 this year ’cause that’s their Labour Day, and I
got to tell you, I hope their labor situation is a whole lot healthier
than the crap sandwich the would-be American workingman is forced to
swallow, lo, these days.
Anal. #1: That opening phrase—meant to throw the reader offside?
Anal. #2: Fock if I know. And New Zealand, two questions: One, do we really need to know anything about it; and two, who cares?
Anal. #1: We know that the country was
settled by the Maoris, a group principally out of Polynesia, sometime
before 1350. And if they were cannibals, they’d enjoy this anecdote:
Sitting around after lunch, one cannibal says to the other, “Your wife
makes a nice soup.” The other says, “Yeah, I’m sure going to miss her.”
Now, back to the page.
I mean, do we even have unions, to speak of, anymore? We were so
cock-focking-sure all our problems were on account of the unions, ain’a?
Sky-high budget deficit? The unions. Can’t get the goods on pushing
goods in foreign markets? Unions. Your focking car’s cigarette lighter
doesn’t want to cooperate? Your kid can’t read? Aaron Rodgers’ busted
collarbone? You guessed it. The focking unions. Big Business heard the
Word and the Word was this: Go Ahead And Squash The Unions ’Cause Who’s
Going To Stop You. And the blue-collar man has become the
horse-shit-collar man and a buck two-eighty an hour won’t get you a pot
to pee in and this sucks, what the fock.
Anal. #1: Believe it or not, Art’s taking a TV timeout. Any thoughts on the action?
Anal. #2: Reasonably coherent approach,
an approach Mr. Kumbalek might think of trying more often. The
excessive capitalization, too cutesy by half. But here he comes, back
from the refrigerator with an ice-cold one in hand, so let’s get what’s
left of this page under way.
And speaking of the workplace, here’s one for you: So this hotshot
executive has a problem. He’s got to get rid of one of his staff, either
Jack or Jill. They’re equally qualified and do excellent work. He
decides that whichever one uses the water cooler first would get the
heave-ho. So Jill comes in, hung-over to the max after partying all
night. She goes to the cooler to take an aspirin. The executive says:
“Jill, excuse me, but I need to lay you or Jack off.” Jill says: “So
could you jack off? I feel like shit today.” Ba-ding!
Let this story be a warning to what workers we have left working
these days: Watch what you say. If our “Jill” had been less a party gal,
she could’ve slapped the executive guy so fast with a sex-harassment
suit right across the puss as to bring tears to his eyes, I kid you not.
I’m a sensitive guy when it comes to this subject ’cause
word-harassment is the solo reason I’m even at a workplace; it’s the
butter that pats my toast. Sure, my variety is written ’stead of spoken,
but you know what they say: “The pen is more mightily potenter than a
focking petard, for christ sakes,” ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told
Anal. #1: That’s it? Space has ended.
Let’s grab Mr. Kumbalek for a comment before his ritual post-essay
meltdown at the Uptowner tavern/charm school. Art, this column, this
essay. Call it a win, loss, or draw?
Hello, my partners in crime. Two of my worst nightmares came to fruition this week: Aaron Rodgers breaking his other collar bone and Cory Mason winning the Racine mayor's race. At least the weather has been nice. The cool is catching up with us, though. Some major holidays will arrive in the net few months. Up next: Halloween. Boo!
Cory Mason winning the mayor's job was a foregone conclusion by the good ol' boys. Personally, I can't stand the man. Don't invite both of us to the same soiree. Mr. Mason = Mr. Dickert. Why can't Racine catch a beak?
A break? Did I mention a break? Like Aaron Rodgers' collar bone? One tackle and an entire team's season changes. It's Rodgers' throwing arm, so expect some special exercise and care. Soon after Rodgers left the field, things took a turn for the worse. We lost. And with Rodgers out for the rest of the season, we better get used to losing. Oh crap.
Here are this week's Irregular Football League standings:
How did "Amanda's Crazy Team" slip past me? At least Mr. OrbsCorbs has been consistent: he's on the bottom week after week.
I've been in psychic contact with most of the other mediums around here, trying to dig up the truth about Yellowstone's Super Volcano. Almost all agree that the media are now downplaying the risk because there's nothing we can do anyway. If it blows, we goes.
It would be a fitting end to a species that's done nothing but crap on everything. But, please, wait till I've passed. I don't want to be around for the final showdown. I'm too old for this stuff.
Say a prayer for all the Irregulars who are facing physical problems and/or are dying. Some of us are getting up there in years.
Thank you all, once again, for reading my blog. I take great pleasure in writing it each week. It's even more pleasurable when your audience agrees with you. I love you all.
Get out there, if you can, and enjoy the waning days of 2017. Me? I'm hiding. They say trouble comes in threes. Rodgers' collar bone is one and Cory Mason is two, so who or what will be three?
_______________________________ Please donate: paypal.me/jgmazelis If you don't like PayPal, send me a note at email@example.com and I'll send you my street address so you can send a check or money order. Thank you.
Richard Spencer at the Conservative Political
Action Conference at Maryland’s National Harbor in February. He was
expelled from the event. (Joshua Roberts/Reuters)
?WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — Florida Gov. Rick Scott declared a state of
emergency Monday in anticipation of a speech by white nationalist
Richard Spencer at the University of Florida. "Scott (R) warned in
an executive order that a 'threat of a potential emergency is imminent'
in Alachua County, where the public university is located. "The
order was intended to help with law enforcement agencies’ response to
rallies planned for Thursday, the governor said in a news release.
University of Florida officials said Monday afternoon that the order was
not made in response to any specific heightened threat. "Spencer
led hundreds of torch-bearing white supremacists, white nationalists and
others on a march chanting, 'You will not replace us' and 'Jews will
not replace us' at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville in
August. The group fought briefly with counterprotesters, and violence
worsened the following day when a man drove a car into a crowd of people
protesting a planned 'Unite the Right' rally, killing a woman and
injuring others. "A state of emergency was declared in Virginia after that violence"
"North Korea warned that a nuclear war 'may break out any moment' as the U.S. and South Korea began one of the largest joint naval drills off both the east and west coasts of the peninsula.
"Kim In Ryong, North Korea’s deputy ambassador to the United Nations, said on Monday that his nation had become a 'full-fledged nuclear power which possesses the delivery means of various ranges' and warned that 'the entire U.S. mainland is within our firing range.' He also called North Korea 'a responsible nuclear state.'
"'As long as one does not take part in the U.S. military actions against the DPRK, we have no intention to use or threaten to use nuclear weapons against any other country,' Kim said, referring to his country’s formal name.
" The comments are similar to other warnings North Korea has made over the past few months as tensions have increased with President Donald Trump’s administration. Kim Jong Un’s regime has repeatedly said it needs the capability to strike the U.S. with a nuclear weapon in order to deter an American attack."
I think Lil' Kim wants to be buried in radioactive rubble. The problem is how to take down the North Korean government without hurting any civilians. Considering the risk, I'd say that we should just drop one H-bomb on Pyongyang. Then open the gates to South Korea.
I haven't felt concerned about nuclear war in decades. Fat Lil' Kim keeps screaming nuclear war at us. Let's give it to him.
"PHILADELPHIA — An emotional Sen. John McCain on Monday leveled a blistering attack
on what he called the "half-baked, spurious nationalism" that seems to
have inspired President Trump's administration to retreat from the world
"In a speech to accept the
National Constitution Center's Liberty Medal, McCain, R-Ariz.,
emphasized that the United States is 'a land made of ideals, not blood
and soil,' a rebuke to the Nazi slogan about bloodlines and territory
chanted in August by White supremacists demonstrating in
"An at-times raspy-sounding McCain drew applause and cheers at the Philadelphia event when he said:
fear the world we have organized and led for three-quarters of a
century, to abandon the ideals we have advanced around the globe, to
refuse the obligations of international leadership and our duty to
remain 'the last, best hope of earth' for the sake of some half-baked,
spurious nationalism cooked up by people who would rather find
scapegoats than solve problems is as unpatriotic as an attachment to any
other tired dogma of the past that Americans consigned to the ash heap
the Senate Armed Services Committee chairman who is battling an
aggressive form of brain cancer, did not mention the name of Trump, with
whom he has publicly feuded on and off for more than two years."
Every Wednesday, Madame Zoltar responds to your queries and comments in her blog, Dear Madame Zoltar. Are the stars in your favor? What to do with that 401K? Find out by sending your questions and thoughts to: firstname.lastname@example.org
“Herb is the healing of a nation, alcohol is the destruction.” Bob Marley
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