Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my delightful kewpee dolls! How are you? It is so nice to be blogging here again. I always get such a warm reception from the JT Irregulars. I am very fond of you all.

Here’s a prediction: old man winter will go down for the count sooner rather than later. I see little buds peeking and poking out here and there. Which reminds me, I’d like to apologize to Mr. Hale-bopp for posting a silly comment on his blog about the National Phenology Network earlier. I made a dumb pun by bringing up phrenology. That was uncouth of me. I am sorry. I have removed the offending comment.

Our first message today arrived as an email from Mr. Logjam, entitled “Getting cursed:”

Dear Madame Zoltar,

I have been honored to have my postings of And From the "(whatever)" Dept..... to be featured on the sidebar (or any other bar for that reason) here on our illustrious JT Irregulars Page. I did notice however, my blog on the sidebar is above yours. Now I hope that doesn't upset you and can I be assured that I won't be turned into a frog or have a wart placed somewhere on my body?

Yours in JTI journalistic peerdom,

My dear Mr. Logjam, why in the world would I curse you? If I were going to do such a despicable thing, I would direct my disdain toward whoever placed your blog above mine in the Features section, not you . . . entirely . . .

Hee-hee, I’m teasing. Don’t worry, I won’t harm you.

Our next query comes from Mr. RWWackoStu, who writes:

Dear Madame Zoltar,

I hope you and the other Irregulars can understand that I have been busy with the election stuff but do check in every day, and Friday Videos will be back soon.

Now to my question. How do you see me doing in the Village Board Election on April 7th? Should I be planning a victory party, or a sorrow drowning party? Can you also predict the weather on Saturday for my literature distribution?


Dear Mr. RWWackoStu, of course I understand how difficult it is to campaign for public office. My own campaign for mayor must take at least one or two hours a week. Unfortunately, I have made it my policy not to publicly predict the outcome of local elections. I do not want my predictions to affect turnout at the polls. Once people already know who will win the election, there is little incentive for them to vote. And that is un-American.

I can tell you however, that Saturday’s weather will be delightful. Stick that in your windsock and shove it, National Weather Service. ;)

The glamorous Ms. Beejay sent the next email, entitled, “You knew it would happen:”

Mdm Zoltar,

I am pleased to let you know that I did receive a large credit to my MasterCard from the resort in Barbados. My blood pressure would have come down sooner, had I known this would happen! I know you must have placed a spell on the tour company to accomplish this and I do thank you.

Now tell me, my travel agent said there would be more to come. Is there? Or do you think I am to be satisfied with this large, but somewhat measly amount when you consider all the pain and suffering I had to go through listening to my two adult nieces berating some poor unsuspecting bartender about the problems?

Greedily yours,

Dear Ms. Beejay, I am delighted that you are pleased with your MasterCard credit. It is not difficult to influence simple minds.

As for being satisfied with what you’ve already received, I want you to know that I’ve never been fully satisfied in my adult life. I think that every woman should expect, and go for, more. More of what you want, when you want it, where you want it. Go for it, Ms. Beejay, expect the best. And take a few more twirls on the dance floor while you’re at it.

Our final message today comes from my dear friend, Mr. SER, in a missive entitled, “retransmit:”

Madam Zoltar,

I appreciate your work on trying to send me the winning numbers to the lottery.

As you listed in you last post, “I will be transmitting the numbers to you throughout the course of the day. I have a sort of auto-dialer for brain wavelengths. All you need do is relax, clear you mind, and let the numbers seep in.

“I’ll also expect the customary 10% donation of your winnings to Madame Zoltar’s School for the Psychically Challenged.”

Unfortunately, I can only receive on UHF (Ultra High Frequency) channel 600.06. Can you please adjust your auto-dialer to transmit on that frequency?

As for the customary 10%...I think 15% would be much better once it happens.


Oh my, Mr. SER, I am so sorry. My message must have been received by that lovely woman who won the Badger 5 the other day. At least all was not for naught. Thank you for upping my school’s percentage of your winnings. The poor underprivileged dears will greatly appreciate it.

I will do specifically as you have instructed and transmit solely on channel 600.06. As of this blog’s post time, 4 AM, I will be broadcasting the winning lottery numbers to you via UHF waves. Let’s hope that there are no unscrupulous ham radio operators out there to intercept the signal.

That’s my blog for this week, my lovely friends. Don’t forget to transmit your questions, comments, and diatribes to me at:

Have a gorgeous week. And watch out for the green beer on Saturday.

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