Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my wild and (very) wet ones! How are you? Does anyone remember what the sun looks like? That big, yellow thing that sometimes appeared in the summer sky? I heard a rumor that it might do a cameo today - if we’re all very good and finish all of our vegetables. Perhaps a human sacrifice to Sol? I just don’t know what it will take to get Mother Nature to finally engage the clutch on summer’s gearbox. Oh my, how’s that for a mixed metaphor? Summer’s engine is racing, but its wheels aren’t spinning. C’mon, let’s go!

Even though we have been cursed with forty days and forty nights of rain, the summer celebration time is here in Racine and I don’t think too many events have been rained out. It’s always good to see crowds of people out interacting with each other at local shindigs. And there is even so much more available in Milwaukee and Chicago. We are truly blessed to be able to call Racine home. At least when it’s not January or February.

I received an email this week from the always festive Mr. fungi. In a message entitled “Trademark Infringement,” he wrote:

Dear Madame,

I have read and heard of the many imposters trying to pass themselves off as a true soothsayer. I was out of town last weekend and made an interesting discovery in my travels.

I found this shameless charlatan hawking his "services" on the Vegas Strip. (Please see attachment.) [At right.] On the plus side I did not see anyone checking out if he had the right numbers to bet on or which slot machines would pay out the most. I figured it was because he doesn't have the pristine reputation that you enjoy.

Spiritually Yours

It is so good to hear from you, Mr. fungi. I am simply delighted. Thank you so much for your concern about me, my reputation, and my rights. That is just another reason why I so love my Irregulars. We are all a family, watching out for each other and helping when we can. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, kind of like when I drink too much wine, but without the hangover.

The fellow in that picture, Mr. fungi, is my ex-husband, or, more likely, one of his many clones. I had hoped that we saw the last of his kind when Ms. Beejay encountered him deteriorating on some forgotten stretch of Florida. However, he is legion. There are copies of him everywhere, cruel reminders of our bittersweet love. I am quite used to it by now. It does not bother me anywhere near as much as it used to. Today, I am a respectable businesswoman, and I am no longer easily manipulated by the wiles of what you so aptly described as a “charlatan.”

Thank you, again, Mr. fungi, for your concern. I deeply appreciate it. As I also appreciate the love and concern of all the other Irregulars and our friends. Thank you each and every one for taking the time to read my blog today. Our time together is precious.

Don’t forget, if you have anything you want to express, suppress, or repress, send it to:

Really, I heard the sun would actually shine today. In the sky. Like in days of yore. I am not kidding. Dust off your old sunglasses, and dig out the sunscreen, if you still have any. Otherwise, use lard. I love you all. Oleo!


Beejay said...

Madame Zoltar, I have been neglectful in notifying you that about three months ago, I saw Zoltar (or one of his clones) being carried out of the Old Opera House in Arcadia, FL...appears there was some question about what he was selling out of his little glass fact, he was being removed while still encased in that telephone booth looking thing. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Rumor has it that he was going to be set in the middle of the rodeo arena for the barrel riding contest being held that night. If he survived, they would release him.

I cannot imagine what he might have been guilty of to bring on the wrath of those gentle folks residing in Arcadia...must have been really, really unthinkable.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Ms. Beejay, he has been a scoundrel for decades. Lord knows what he was peddling. I'm glad that the good citizens of Arcadia took it upon themselves to clean house. Good riddance!

Here's some more good news, dearies. SC Johnson is donating to make the Dr. Laurel Clark Fountain safe for children to play in again: Thank you, captains of carnauba!

kkdither said...

Mme. Zoltar, the sun is shining as you predicted. Did you ever think about going into meteorology? You are much more accurate than the evening news! Enjoy the week! :)