Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello my beautiful sunflowers! How are you? Have you noticed that the days are getting longer? It’s encouraging. And most of the snow has melted. It’s too early for me to officially predict spring, but I will say that it will be here sooner than later.

I also have another prediction for my fellow Racineans. I predict that no matter what the economic or political upheavals, we will resolve the issues in our city. We will do that because Racine has many fine, hard-working, decent individuals who live here and love Racine.

And while I’m on the soapbox, I should say a word or two about my mayoral intentions. My campaign has not been very high-profile, but I have a number of ideas to offer to the community which I think are productive and unique.

My first thought is that we should take whatever stimulus money we get from the government and convert it into bills of low denominations, primarily $5’s, $10’s and $20’s. Then we take that money, and

1.) Load it onto an airplane or helicopter that will fly low over the city and drop the money to waft down onto the streets. Of course, we select a day with optimal wind conditions (calm) and perhaps a weekend so that more people have an opportunity to get the cash. Or maybe declare a special holiday just for the money drop.
2.) Build an enclosure in City Hall and fill it with the money. From there, I’m open to suggestions. Perhaps we could hold a lottery to determine who gets to wade in the cash for a specified amount of time and keep whatever money they can grab. The lottery may make the operation self-sustaining, or even profitable. Another idea would be to televise the event. Again, I would be the people’s mayor. What are your ideas?

With the surprise (to you) resignation of Mr. Ben Hughes as City Administrator, I’ve also revised my plans concerning that office. From the picture that I saw of it in the local newspaper, it looks like just the place to display and sell my potions and tonics - 50% discount to city residents, 100% if you’re laid-off (think of your ex-boss).

Finally, I want to remind you that I am the Mistress of the Dark and the Master of the Light. Voting for me could pay off for you in ways that you can now only imagine. Once I’m elected, stop by the office and see me sometime. I will know who voted for me and who didn’t. If you did, perhaps we can discuss your affairs and how I can help influence them to your advantage. If you didn’t, stop by and we can discuss the removal of the strange growth that started protruding from your forehead after Election Day.

Please tell me your ideas and suggestions for rejuvenating Racine. Post them below, or email me at:

Have a beautiful week, my lilies of the valley. Keep your eyes on heaven and your feet on the ground. And don’t forget: vote free, vote Z!


SER said...

Oh no...the ship is full steam ahead with no one at the helm!!!

kkdither said...

Mme. Zoltar, I think the money give away program should definitely be held in some entertaining way. Brilliant idea! The amount that each person will get is minimal after all, and probably won't be of that much use to anyone anyway.

How about one of those money cubes, where you have to stash the cash while it is blowing around? What you grab, you keep. Everyone would get one ticket and one minute to "stash their stimulus cash."

We could do it on the site of Laurel Clark Fountain, charge a minimal admission to watch, (it would be very entertaining) and use the proceeds to fix the fountain so the kiddies can continue to play there free.

OrbsCorbs said...

Mme. Zoltar, who let the dogs out?