Friday, October 20, 2017

"WiGWAG: Pence's 'patriotism,' paying with peanut butter and more"

From the Wisconsin Gazette:

News with a twistUpdated

Blame it on Oktoberfest

When La Crosse police received a complaint that a couple was copulating in a car parked on a residential street, Officer Aaron Westpfahl responded. Car windows fogged? Check. Car rocking back and forth? Check. So Westpfahl opened the back door and found a naked young couple in flagrante delicto. The officer was more or less told to get lost. “I’m trying to f***,” said the 21-year-old male. But as Westpfahl hauled the couple off to jail, the young fellow tried to win his sympathy: “You’re a man. You should understand. It’s Oktoberfest weekend,” he said.

Near Plymouth Rock

Oct. 9 was designated as Columbus Day on many 2017 calendars in the United States. But the museum on the historic English colony at Plymouth recognized Oct. 9 as Indigenous Peoples Day. Plimoth Plantation, a living history museum in Plymouth, Massachusetts, celebrated the history and culture of the Wampanoags, the Native Americans encountered by English settlers some four centuries ago. Indigenous Peoples Day also was observed on many college campuses and by some government institutions, including Milwaukee County.

Costly show of ‘patriotism’

Vice President Mike Pence flew to Indianapolis to catch a football game between the Indianapolis Colts and San Francisco 49ers, warning in advance that he’d leave if any players kneeled during the national anthem. That was odd, because players had already announced their intention to take a knee. When they did, Pence and his wife abruptly left, making a show of their “patriotism.” But Pence’s stunt required the re-routing of Air Force 2, which cost taxpayers the patriotic sum of $242,500.

Stalin Trump

A great-granddaughter of former Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev says Donald Trump’s latest attacks on the media reminded her of Joseph Stalin. Trump accused NBC of “fake news” and said he wanted its broadcast license revoked — notwithstanding the fact that networks are not licensed. According to Nina Khrushcheva, “President Trump defined ‘fake news’ the way Joseph Stalin defined ‘enemies of the people’: If they offer the slightest objection to his rule they must be wrong. And they must be silenced.”

Seasonal hazard

An unusual smell prompted an evacuation and a hazardous materials response at a Baltimore high school. Several people reported difficulty breathing. But after five people were taken to the hospital complaining of upset stomachs, fire officials discovered the source of the smell: a pumpkin-spice air freshener plugged into an outlet in a classroom.

Spread the word

New Mexico State University is allowing motorists to take a bite out of certain parking tickets by paying with peanut butter. Drivers who have received a “no current permit” parking citation can pay it with at least 80 ounces of peanut butter Oct. 23–27. All peanut butter donations will be sent to the Aggie Cupboard. Officials say appealing the citation forfeits the right to pay with peanut butter.

Slobbery record

A St. Bernard in South Dakota has set a new, slobbery world record. Mochi now holds the Guinness World Record’s title for having the longest tongue on a dog — 7.31 inches. The 8-year-old broke the previous record held by a male Pekingese, whose tongue was a scant 4.5 inches.

Coupon to ‘kill’

Seven days after a gunman killed 58 people and injured more than 500 at a country music festival in Las Vegas, Groupon was offering a half-price deal on “Massacre Tactical Laser Tag.” The games are held in a 4,000 square-foot arena in Northern Illinois that’s equipped with laser weapons that “resemble real Glocks, MP5s, M16s and more.” The cost was just $19 for 60 minutes. One satisfied customer wrote, “Great setup, my kids loved it.”

Walking undead

Hundreds of undead people gathered at the New Jersey shore for the annual zombie walk. Staged in Asbury Park, the walk is considered one of the largest gatherings of its kind. A zombie Donald Trump pushed a tombstone, tossed paper towels to the crowd and asked, “Does anyone need saving?” Held less than a week after the mass shooting in Las Vegas, organizers banned the use of prop weapons — which apparently didn’t infringe on Second Amendment rights.

‘Paradise USA’ lost

Officials in Key West, Florida, want to know who took the sign that welcomed visitors to “Paradise USA.” It wasn’t Irma. The sign — which features a painted sunset and was hung at the key’s entrance off U.S. 1 — was last seen on the ground after Hurricane Irma roared across the island. For now, a hand-painted “Welcome to Paradise” sign marks the spot where “Paradise USA” once stood.


Four for Fridays!

Good morning everyone I hope you are enjoying this nice weather we are having. I am enjoying having my windows open and finally being able to air the house out. Here are your questions.

1) Have you been out looking at the trees changing colors?

2) Do you take pictures of the trees changing colors?

3) Which do you like better the Spring time when the buds are coming on the trees or the Fall when the leaves are changing colors?

4) Are you enjoying the nice Fall weather?

Have a nice weekend!

Open Blog - Friday

Happy Friday!

Thursday, October 19, 2017

"You Are Reading Almost Live"

From the Shepherd Express:

by   October 17, 2017 4:42 PM

Ed. Note: Two analysts/commentators have been assigned to Mr. Kumbalek’s column this week to provide more comprehensive comprehension through the marvel of instant analysis in hopes of attracting more male beer drinkers from ages 18 to 34 to this page. The analysts we chose are former professional writers—one now in advertising, the other fulfilling a lengthy community service obligation. We feel their clear, insightful and fun commentary will benefit both the seasoned reader as well as the casual.

Analyst #1: Hello, and welcome. Before the first paragraph gets under way, I’d like to ask my compatriot here what kind of column—or essay, as Mr. Kumbalek prefers to pretentiously call it—we can look forward to this week.

Analyst #2: With this writer, one never knows. Questions are these: Does he have his essay face on and has he come to write? Or, will he just sputter around in the backfield of his mind until he figures he’s coughed up enough words to call it a day and hit the nearest bar stool. Any given week, it’s a tossup, but let’s turn to the action. Looks like he’s ready to kick it off.


I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen...

Anal. #1: Art seems to have called a very early timeout here. Any idea why?

Anal. #2: I think it’s an equipment problem. He stopped to light a cigarette and pour himself another tub of coffee. Right now he’s picking his nose, but I think he’s nearly ready to retake the page.

I was wondering the other day if any of Yo-Yo Ma’s friends ever call him Duncan, like for a nickname, you know?

Anal. #1: Any idea who he’s talking about?

Anal. #2: Not a clue, but an otherwise nice, quick opener.

Anyways, before I get steamrollering Swiftly mine weekly battle against the usual confederate union of dunces, hey, how ’bout this holiday season coming back up like a bad burrito. Here in the States, the season now commences with Columbus focking Day. But in different parts of the world it ain’t the same, like over there by New Zealand, where it starts Oct. 23 this year ’cause that’s their Labour Day, and I got to tell you, I hope their labor situation is a whole lot healthier than the crap sandwich the would-be American workingman is forced to swallow, lo, these days.

Anal. #1: That opening phrase—meant to throw the reader offside?

Anal. #2: Fock if I know. And New Zealand, two questions: One, do we really need to know anything about it; and two, who cares?

Anal. #1: We know that the country was settled by the Maoris, a group principally out of Polynesia, sometime before 1350. And if they were cannibals, they’d enjoy this anecdote: Sitting around after lunch, one cannibal says to the other, “Your wife makes a nice soup.” The other says, “Yeah, I’m sure going to miss her.” Now, back to the page.

I mean, do we even have unions, to speak of, anymore? We were so cock-focking-sure all our problems were on account of the unions, ain’a? Sky-high budget deficit? The unions. Can’t get the goods on pushing goods in foreign markets? Unions. Your focking car’s cigarette lighter doesn’t want to cooperate? Your kid can’t read? Aaron Rodgers’ busted collarbone? You guessed it. The focking unions. Big Business heard the Word and the Word was this: Go Ahead And Squash The Unions ’Cause Who’s Going To Stop You. And the blue-collar man has become the horse-shit-collar man and a buck two-eighty an hour won’t get you a pot to pee in and this sucks, what the fock.

Anal. #1: Believe it or not, Art’s taking a TV timeout. Any thoughts on the action?

Anal. #2: Reasonably coherent approach, an approach Mr. Kumbalek might think of trying more often. The excessive capitalization, too cutesy by half. But here he comes, back from the refrigerator with an ice-cold one in hand, so let’s get what’s left of this page under way.

And speaking of the workplace, here’s one for you: So this hotshot executive has a problem. He’s got to get rid of one of his staff, either Jack or Jill. They’re equally qualified and do excellent work. He decides that whichever one uses the water cooler first would get the heave-ho. So Jill comes in, hung-over to the max after partying all night. She goes to the cooler to take an aspirin. The executive says: “Jill, excuse me, but I need to lay you or Jack off.” Jill says: “So could you jack off? I feel like shit today.” Ba-ding!

Let this story be a warning to what workers we have left working these days: Watch what you say. If our “Jill” had been less a party gal, she could’ve slapped the executive guy so fast with a sex-harassment suit right across the puss as to bring tears to his eyes, I kid you not.

I’m a sensitive guy when it comes to this subject ’cause word-harassment is the solo reason I’m even at a workplace; it’s the butter that pats my toast. Sure, my variety is written ’stead of spoken, but you know what they say: “The pen is more mightily potenter than a focking petard, for christ sakes,” ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

Anal. #1: That’s it? Space has ended. Let’s grab Mr. Kumbalek for a comment before his ritual post-essay meltdown at the Uptowner tavern/charm school. Art, this column, this essay. Call it a win, loss, or draw?

Art: Call it focking finished.


Alltime10s Thursdays

Open Blog - Thursday

Betty is an angel.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Sandy Wiedner Loses Mayoral Race

A heavy pall hangs over the city

Suicide nets installed in numerous locations. 

A mass exodus has started.

Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my partners in crime.  Two of my worst nightmares came to fruition this week: Aaron Rodgers breaking his other collar bone and Cory Mason winning the Racine mayor's race.  At least the weather has been nice.  The cool is catching up with us, though.  Some major holidays will arrive in the net few months.  Up next: Halloween.  Boo!

Cory Mason winning the mayor's job was a foregone conclusion by the good ol' boys.  Personally, I can't stand the man.  Don't invite both of us to the same soiree.  Mr. Mason = Mr. Dickert.  Why can't Racine catch a beak?

A break?  Did I mention a break?  Like Aaron Rodgers' collar bone?  One tackle and an entire team's season changes.  It's Rodgers' throwing arm, so expect some special exercise and care.  Soon after Rodgers left the field, things took a turn for the worse.  We lost.  And with Rodgers out for the rest of the season, we better get used to losing.  Oh crap.

Here are this week's Irregular Football League standings:

How did "Amanda's Crazy Team" slip past me?  At least Mr. OrbsCorbs has been consistent: he's on the bottom week after week.

I've been in psychic contact with most of the other mediums around here, trying to dig up the truth about Yellowstone's Super Volcano.  Almost all agree that the media are now downplaying the risk because there's nothing we can do anyway.  If it blows, we goes.

It would be a fitting end to a species that's done nothing but crap on everything.  But, please, wait till I've passed.  I don't want to be around for the final showdown.  I'm too old for this stuff.

Say a prayer for all the Irregulars who are facing physical problems and/or are dying.  Some of us are getting up there in years.

Thank you all, once again, for reading my blog.  I take great pleasure in writing it each week.  It's even more pleasurable when your audience agrees with you.  I love you all.

Get out there, if you can, and enjoy the waning days of 2017.  Me?  I'm hiding.  They say trouble comes in threes.  Rodgers' collar bone is one and Cory Mason is two, so who or what will be three?
Please donate:
If you don't like PayPal, send me a note at and I'll send you my street address so you can send a check or money order.  Thank you.

Open Blog - Wednesday

Have a good one.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Actor Chris Hemsworth Took His Shoes Off In A Fancy Australian Restaurant

In some quarters, this is news:

What the hell is the matter with us?

"Florida governor declares state of emergency in advance of Richard Spencer event"

Richard Spencer at the Conservative Political Action Conference at Maryland’s National Harbor in February. He was expelled from the event. (Joshua Roberts/Reuters)  

?WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — Florida Gov. Rick Scott declared a state of emergency Monday in anticipation of a speech by white nationalist Richard Spencer at the University of Florida.

"Scott (R) warned in an executive order that a 'threat of a potential emergency is imminent' in Alachua County, where the public university is located.

"The order was intended to help with law enforcement agencies’ response to rallies planned for Thursday, the governor said in a news release. University of Florida officials said Monday afternoon that the order was not made in response to any specific heightened threat.

"Spencer led hundreds of torch-bearing white supremacists, white nationalists and others on a march chanting, 'You will not replace us' and 'Jews will not replace us' at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville in August. The group fought briefly with counterprotesters, and violence worsened the following day when a man drove a car into a crowd of people protesting a planned 'Unite the Right' rally, killing a woman and injuring others.

"A state of emergency was declared in Virginia after that violence"

Read more:

So now anyone with a radicalizing view can shut down portions of state government just by threatening to speak?

"North Korea Warns That Nuclear War Could ‘Break Out Any Moment’"

"North Korea warned that a nuclear war 'may break out any moment' as the U.S. and South Korea began one of the largest joint naval drills off both the east and west coasts of the peninsula.

"Kim In Ryong, North Korea’s deputy ambassador to the United Nations, said on Monday that his nation had become a 'full-fledged nuclear power which possesses the delivery means of various ranges' and warned that 'the entire U.S. mainland is within our firing range.' He also called North Korea 'a responsible nuclear state.'

"'As long as one does not take part in the U.S. military actions against the DPRK, we have no intention to use or threaten to use nuclear weapons against any other country,' Kim said, referring to his country’s formal name. 

" The comments are similar to other warnings North Korea has made over the past few months as tensions have increased with President Donald Trump’s administration. Kim Jong Un’s regime has repeatedly said it needs the capability to strike the U.S. with a nuclear weapon in order to deter an American attack."

Read more:

I think Lil' Kim wants to be buried in radioactive rubble.  The problem is how to take down the North Korean government without hurting any civilians.  Considering the risk, I'd say that we should just drop one H-bomb on Pyongyang.  Then open the gates to South Korea.

I haven't felt concerned about nuclear war in decades.  Fat Lil' Kim keeps screaming nuclear war at us.  Let's give it to him.

"Emotional Sen. John McCain blasts 'half-baked, spurious nationalism'"

"PHILADELPHIA — An emotional Sen. John McCain on Monday leveled a blistering attack on what he called the "half-baked, spurious nationalism" that seems to have inspired President Trump's administration to retreat from the world stage.

"In a speech to accept the National Constitution Center's Liberty Medal, McCain, R-Ariz., emphasized that the United States is 'a land made of ideals, not blood and soil,' a rebuke to the Nazi slogan about bloodlines and territory chanted in August by White supremacists demonstrating in Charlottesville, Va.

"An at-times raspy-sounding McCain drew applause and cheers at the Philadelphia event when he said: 

"'To fear the world we have organized and led for three-quarters of a century, to abandon the ideals we have advanced around the globe, to refuse the obligations of international leadership and our duty to remain 'the last, best hope of earth' for the sake of some half-baked, spurious nationalism cooked up by people who would rather find scapegoats than solve problems is as unpatriotic as an attachment to any other tired dogma of the past that Americans consigned to the ash heap of history.'

"McCain, the Senate Armed Services Committee chairman who is battling an aggressive form of brain cancer, did not mention the name of Trump, with whom he has publicly feuded on and off for more than two years."

Read more: 

Open Blog - Tuesday

Vote for Sandy Weidner!