Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my woeful water lilies! How are you? Are you keeping dry? That’s becoming more and more difficult to do these days. The National Weather Service says that we can finally wring ourselves out after today, but we’ve all heard that song from them before. Those people give the rest of us in the prediction industry a bad name. If I was wrong as often as they are, I would be out of business before you could say, “Partly cloudy.” I know how difficult it is to read Mother Nature’s moods; that’s why I don’t even try. I do wonder, though how much one of those big shot meteorologists on TV makes. Ms. kk suggested last week that I get into weather forecasting. I suppose I could stand in front of a camera and make up predictions, too. I would do it with a Madame Zoltar twist: “Hello, my delightful dearies! How are you? Today I predict beautiful weather with balmy temperatures, sunny skies, soothing breezes, and a tall, dark, handsome stranger entering your life.” Oh my.

I would like to once again express my gratitude to the SC Johnson Company for coming to the rescue of Racine’s Dr. Laurel Clark Memorial Fountain. Preparing and maintaining the fountain for children’s play is a wonderful act of kindness from a company known for its generosity. Racine is fortunate to be home to such a fine corporation. I understand that Mr. Fisk Johnson took a personal interest in the plight of the fountain. Thank you, sir, for intervening on behalf of Racine’s children. May good fortune continue to bless you and yours. (And if you’d like to guarantee that, I am available for private consultations, at very reasonable rates. My prices do not rise with my clients’ incomes.)

While I’m on my soap box, I’d also like to address another issue that has concerned me lately: motorists and bicyclists. Please, everybody, please be careful out there! The good weather and plethora of things to do, along with the health and energy conscious consciences of the younger generation, have brought a multitude of bicycles to Racine’s streets and roadways, some of which were already congested at places and times. Everyone needs to watch out and be aware of each other. Motorcycles get into the mix during fair weather, too. I narrowly averted two separate accidents with bicyclists yesterday, and I’m still shaking. One ran a stop sign and the other ran a red light. But many is the time I’ve seen motorists cut off or ignore bicyclists. When I’ve been out for a spin on my bicycle, you wouldn’t believe the filthy things that have been shouted at me and/or the objects thrown at me. A few times I have barely managed to keep myself from casting the dreaded Zoltar® Curse™ on a car full of idiots. In any case, we need to respect each other and remember that we are dealing with human beings on our streets, not “the enemy.”

Finally, here’s an interesting little clip that involves a Segway (kind of a motorized bicycle) and a Zoltar fortune telling booth:



To find out all you’d ever want to know about that contraption (including how to build your own), check out: http://www.segnyc.com/. You can even follow Zoltar_Speaks on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Zoltar_Speaks. All I can say about that, my dears, is whatever my ex “speaks,” I guarantee you it is lies. Oh my, so true!

Thank you everyone, irregular and otherwise, for taking a few moments to read my blog today. I can sense when others are pondering my writings, and it makes me feel warm and loved. I want to do whatever I can to return those feelings to all of you. Please let me know if I can be of assistance to you. Don’t forget, you can always contact me at: madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com.

National Weather Service, Schmnational Weather Service, the sun is going to shine soon, I predict, in more ways than one. May the light enfold us all. Just not blistering heat and smothering humidity, OK, Mother Nature? OK? Are you listening? Isotherm!

10 comments:

kkdither said...

That is it! We've finally found the JTI entry for the parade... A Madame Zoltar mobile booth! Can we sponsor one, pleeease mom?????

Madame, I love, love, love your weather forcast, especially the tall, dark, handsome stranger part. You would surely be the most popular part of any newscast!

I hope you can sense the love extended to you from all the JT Irregulars combined. In fact, the weather hasn't been that hot and humid... you just must have been feeling the tremendous warmth of our love!

OrbsCorbs said...

Madame Z, you could use such a booth to scoot around on First Fridays and other events in Racine. Maybe SCJ will donate one to you.

Anonymous said...

Illustrious Madame. Are you sure that's your ex in the picture? I thought the box he was in had bars around it? (the vertical kind, not horizontal).

kkdither said...

Orbs, doesn't DRC [downtown racine corporation (or crooks)] sponsor the first friday parties? Maybe that is where we need to start our begging? Or, the Madame can just implant the idea into their heads? hmmm...

OrbsCorbs said...

kk, how strange, I had the same thought about DRC earlier today. Why should J-Wax pay for it? I think DRC already has a Segway or two. All that would be needed is the booth.

Maybe we should take a trip to Florida where Beejay saw that Zoltar machine in disrepair and abscond with it, or just the shell. I wonder what the penalty is for interstate trafficking in stolen fortune telling machinery?

Anonymous said...

Oh my, thank you Ms. kk and Mr. OrbsCorbs for your creative suggestions. A roving booth may be just the thing I need to promote my business. Perhaps I will speak with whoever is in charge at the Downtown Racine Corporation.

Ms. kk, I do sense the immense, gargantuan love that the Irregulars feel for me. It's super-super-sized! Thank you one and all, thank you.

Anonymous said...

"Ms. kk, I do sense the immense, gargantuan love that the Irregulars feel for me. It's super-super-sized! Thank you one and all, thank you."

Hey Madame Z, you're well worth it!

Anonymous said...

Hey Orbs, if you do go down there and abscond it, especially if Beejay has something to do with it....check it for snakes.

Anonymous said...

You know, that thing will fit in the bus. We could turn it around and head for Dixie.

kkdither said...

Thank god... we're still on the dang bus? Who the heck is driving? I was thinking I might be prego with all the motion sickness I've been experiencing!