Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my vivacious Valentines!  How are you?  Have the winter blues got you down?  Then try some of Madame Zoltar’s® new wonder drug: NTPS™ (Nerve Tonic and Paint Stripper).  With Madame Zoltar’s® NTPS™, you can exhale the years of paint off of any object, even your house or car. 

[Please don’t smoke while using our product and stay away from all possible sources of ignition.  Ingestion of NTPS™ in significant quantities may lead to explosive flatulence which will literally rip a new asshole.  Urination may be caustic to urinals, toilets, and other fixtures.]

Or, you could just get rip-roaring drunk.  In either case, the ennui returns the next day, and you have to deal with a hangover, and possibly the police.

Mr. OrbsCorbs and I have discussed this and previous winters.  We’re both inclined to agree that this winter is like the winters we remember from our youths.  What I think has been the anomaly is the twenty years of relatively mild winters that we’ve had prior to this one.

Hurray, hurray!  The salt ship has arrived in Milwaukee.  We can hardly wait to get back to rotting car and truck bodies while poisoning the soil. Oh shame on me.  I’m just as guilty as anyone of wanting salted streets and roads.  Safety first.  If you’re going to plant a tree or shrubs near a street that gets salted, be sure to plant a salt-resistant variety.  If you’re spreading salt on your sidewalks and driveways, use it sparingly, please.  It attacks your cement and slowly destroys it.

My comments to clients on the Olympics: “How about those Olympics!  Aren’t they exciting?  So many upsets.  What about the big thing last night?  Wow.”

In fact, I don’t watch them.  I have nothing against the Olympics or sports.  They just don’t interest me, but I pretend to be interested for business purposes.  Hurray for your nationality!

Finally, I want to thank Ms. kk for her marvelous suggestion of Madame Zoltar’s® Prediction Cookies™.  Each batch will include a large quantity of my nerve tonic.  All of the predictions will read: “You’ll soon feel better.”  The more you eat them, the better you feel, until blindness or psychosis occurs.  Tee-hee, my dears.  You know I’d never hurt the Irregulars or anyone else.

Thank you for reading my blog today.  I always feel better on the days my blog appears.  I think it’s because of the love that I am showing and that is being shown to me.  Thank you.

All you need is love.  And madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com

Stay warm in the cold or cool in the heat wherever the Irregulars are.  I can tell that the days are getting longer because now it’s no longer dark at 5 PM.  Drive carefully, my friends.  Kalokagathia!