WARNING!!! Sensitive people may find the following material offensive. Contains humor. Read at your own risk!
This was written by an actual woman using the "estrogen font". Men, be sure to wear your special filtering glasses.
The Woman's Code by Cheryl Lavin
Rules that women live by, but rarely divulge to men.
Invite a man to go shopping with you only if you need someone to carry your
packages or drive.
Assure your boyfriend that every female movie star
has had a boob job.
When your man asks you what's wrong, say "Nothing."
However, when Oprah, Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura asks you, go into excruciating
detail. Leave nothing out.
The negative effects of cheese puffs and
chocolate-chocolate chip ice cream are offset by the positive effects of diet
soda.
Feet are flexible and can be made to fit into shoes varying from
size 7 to 9, depending on what's on sale.
You can skimp on clothes, but
a good bra is worth its weight in gold. (That's Victoria's secret.)
The
Patricia Principle: The more you've been trying to attract the attention of a
particular man, the more likely it is that you'll run into him when you're
sweaty, short of sleep, without makeup, wearing house-painting clothes, with
your hair in a bandana.
The best response to a married man who's hitting
on you is, "Say, don't I know your wife?"
Learn how to say "Back off"
very loudly and look fierce while you say it.
Let every new man in your
life know that you've got a black belt in karate.
Make friends with your
hormones. They're what make you colorful and unpredictable. If other people have
a hard time with that, that's their problem.
When you hear your mother's
words coming out of your mouth, shut your mouth. Unless your mother was really
wise.
When in doubt, say no.
You're under no obligation to tell
the truth when asked the number of your sexual partners.
Men love a
woman who's good in bed. But not the first time they go to bed with her.
No matter how much they fight it, all men need a woman to organize their
lives and their closets and tell them what kind of hair products to use.
Consider yourself a sculptor and your man a block of marble. Chip away
until you have created someone you can live with. He'll thank you. Later.
Always remember: Inside the biggest, burliest, most macho man lives an
ego as delicate and fragile as a baby chick making its first venture outside the
egg.
Laugh at a man at your own peril.
The only women who look
good first thing in the morning are the women who don't know how to put on
makeup.
When splitting a dinner check with girlfriends, it's perfectly
acceptable to take out a calculator.
If you drop your girlfriends as
soon as you have a boyfriend, you will live to regret your decision.
Food eaten while preparing other food has no calories.
When
consumed for its antioxidant properties, dark chocolate has less fat than
broccoli.
It's a medical fact that some women gain weight although they
eat only salads.
It's another medical fact that too much lettuce can
lead to depression.
Women who never binge have no souls.
Only a
masochist weighs herself the day after a binge.
Ditto anyone who looks
at herself naked in a three-way mirror.
Even Angelina Jolie has some
part of her body she hates.
Falling in love is a sure way to lose five
pounds.
Getting dumped is a sure way to gain 10.
Nothing is
sweeter than finding out that the cute boy who dumped you in the 12th grade
lives in his mother's basement.
Except going to your high school reunion
and seeing that the prom queen shops at Lane Bryant.
Black really does
make you look thinner.
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