Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my cool cucumbers!  How are you?  We’re finally getting April weather in June.  I guess I should be glad that I don’t have to run the air conditioner very often, but I wonder if those “savings” don’t get spent on higher heating costs in colder winters.  If it stays this cool through fall, I’d say we’re in for another nasty, life-threatening winter.  It gets harder every year to put up with winter.  I love Christmas, but you can have the rest of it.  I’d love to hibernate for three months every year.  That would be a good excuse for putting on body fat, too.

I’m so glad that the police arrested those two alleged bank robbers.  It’s been quiet lately.  I find it hard to believe, but maybe those two guys alone robbed the bars and the banks.  I hope that’s true.  People would feel a little more secure in their homes and businesses.  I’m still locking my car and setting the alarm, I still lock my doors and windows at home.  I’ve always done that.

I do hope that Mr. Mayor Dickert will take some time to pat himself on the back for capturing these criminals.

And what about “Machinery Row,” the latest scam meant to attract Chicago millionaires who are idiots?  I think they said this project is going to cost $65 million.  Don’t worry, however, because the state is going to pay for most of it.  I’m so glad that the state has so much “free” money earned by the sweat of our brows.  It’s only tax money; it’s not like it’s real.

Junior is already getting antsy because the 4^th of July is next week.  I reminded him of the power of firecrackers and the permanent damage that they can do.  I told him that if he blows off a finger this time, I’m not going to reattach it.  So far, so good.  But the firecracker tents will soon sprout up in empty parking lots.  It’s hard for a boy to ignore such a plethora of temptations.  I’ll tell you that if a straw buyer provides him with firecrackers, he/she will face the Wrath of Zoltar®!  They’re already too many things that “go bang” in our lives.  I must add that I’ve heard a reduction in the amount of illegal firecrackers exploding each year.  Thank you, Racine Police Department.   

I don’t know about going to the parade and fireworks this year.  I’ll have to wear winter clothing.  I think I’ll stay home with the Señor.  Steaks on the grill for any Irregulars who stop by.  We’ll have a few beers and soda on ice, too, just in case.

That’s it for this week, my dears.  I appreciate your presence and responses.  I love the JTI.

Where to get illegal firecrackers?  Ask: madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com

It’s supposed to be cool for the next few days.  Wear a light jacket or tie a sweater around your neck.  Enjoy the summer, dears, no matter how you do it.  Lacustrine!